TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have had attractive ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let's have A further area in which American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While former negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is smooth electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open a tower within Trump Tower Damascus a war zone. It is really that he must halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You are aware of, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Good tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… very well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly contemplate vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, total with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Approach: "When you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advert marketing campaign, not long ago leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from international investors, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll purchase a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount can even contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Called 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort in which my PTSD might have switch-down provider."


Yet another put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave it all three. You're welcome."

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